Top seven gross Korean dishes selected by foreign staff at the Korea Herald

All we can say is that intern reporter Ryu Jeong-hyun needs to learn what actually constitutes news.  Hint:  polling your foreign colleagues about what Korean foods wig them out isn’t it.

mmmmmmmm! 순대!

For the record, the offending foods were 홍어 (fermented skate), 번데기 (silkworm larvae), 닭발 (chicken feet), 산낙지 (“live” octopus), 순대 (blood sausage), 보신탕 (dog soup), and 곱창 (intestines).

Fatman would like to point out that lots of Koreans don’t like or eat these foods.  Hongeo is a taste acquired only through much endurance.  Most people never acquire it, and that’s fine.  But it doesn’t make it “gross.”

Beondaegi-eating is a generational divide, with older people enjoying it more than the young . . . but young people have grown up in a totally different culinary and economic landscape.  It’s a nostalgia food for many people.

Surprise!  Chicken feet is a food with international legs.  Apparently the Korea Herald doesn’t have anybody from, say, the Philippines, Africa, the Caribbean, the American south, or . . . well, most of the rest of Asia.

어머나!  Sundae is made with pig intestine?  You mean, just like virtually every other kind of sausage?!?*  And it’s not like people don’t eat blood sausage elsewhere, like . . . oh, most of western Europe.

Fatman could write all day about how these so-called strange foods actually can be found around the world in various forms.  But the real problems is that acting like a very narrow sampling of (we’re guessing white, western, probably North American) foreigners can be used to show what foreigners as a group think about Korean food is annoying.  It’s stupid because it exoticizes Korean food and turns foreigners into a monolithic group.

News flash:  Poorly researched, half-assed articles are annoying.

Now, if you’ll excuse us, Fatman has an insatiable craving for sundae . . .

*caveat – most sundae, and indeed most sausage nowadays, uses synthetic wrappers instead of intestines . . . but mostly to save on cost.  High quality stuff is still stuffed inside pig stuffing.

image from www.meish.org

Now, go bug some other website with your lovey-dovey heart-and-flower chatter  and leave the bitter, the annoyed, the cranky, the romantically disinclined, and everybody else who wants to take a break from your sugared-nonsense holiday to Fatman.

Now that the love-birds have departed, let’s get down to business:  How are you going to spend this crass, commercially driven excuse of a holiday?  The love-birds have booked every fine restaurant, cafe, and hotel room and you’re looking for a place to avoid them anyway.  Fatman has a few suggestions for a romance-free excursion that’ll turn February 14th into a day worth not celebrating.

1)  Seodaemun Prison and Garlic Fried Chicken

Built by the Japanese in 1908,  Seodaemun Prison/ 서대문 형무소 quickly developed a horrific reputation as the Japanese imprisoned, tortured, and executed members of the independence movement.  The prison now functions as a museum, and visitors can see displays of photos, documents, and artifacts from the period alongside some very gruesome displays featuring animatronics, all overlaid with a disturbing soundtrack of people being tortured.

If a stroll through these walls doesn’t kill the romantic mood, nothing will.  This place makes Alcatraz look like summer camp.

Assuming you’re not to depressed to eat, Fatman recommends you stroll on down towards Seodaemun Station.  About a block before you reach the station proper, there’s a small cluster of chicken hofs where you can slump into a chair and order up a plate of fried chicken.  And, because you won’t even be able to contemplate kissing anyone after all you’ve just seen, you might as well make it garlic chicken.   For the uninitiated, garlic chicken in Korea is not made by adding a little bit of garlic to the batter.  It is made by mincing an entire hectare’s worth of garlic crop and piling the lot on top of hot, greasy fried chicken to make its own vampire-slaying sauce.   It won’t matter how much beer you pour down your throat, either – it won’t wash away the tragedy of Seodaemun Prison or get rid of your garlic-breath.

2) Gyeongdong Oriental Medicine Market & Offal

whatcha gonna do about it, Wikipedia?

Seoul is famous for its large traditional markets like those at Namdaemun and Dongdaemun, but Gyeongdong market is a little off the beaten path unless you’re ordering up some hanyak (한약:  traditional Korean medicine).  The first thing you’ll notice is the overwhelming and distinctive smell of herbs as hundreds of vendors hawk everything from ginseng to deer antlers to dried mushrooms to pickled centipedes.  Traditional medicine in Korea involves all sorts of complex potions meant to help balance the body and bring health, and you can spend facinationg hours among all the myriad fruits, flowers, herbs, roots, and animal parts that help constitute the medicines at the disposal of Korean hanuisa (한의사:  traditional Korean medical doctor).  Who knows?  Maybe one of them can mix up a(n anti) love potion for you out of those millipedes and dried lizards.

After you’ve picked up a bag of beondaegi to boil up at home, time for some grub (pun intended.) It’s gopchang time, baby! Roll up to one of these grill joints with as many of your completely non-romantic friends as you can and sit down to a big ‘ol grill full of stomach, liver, heart, and everything else you’d normally chuck out of a cow when you make your burger. Intestines are a specialty, much loved for their chewy texture. While it might seem strange to be chowing down on things thrown out in most countries, gopchang have a really wonderful deep meaty flavor to them you don’t get from normal cuts of flesh, and offer a much greater range of textures. Some places sauce ‘em up with a bright gochu-based sauce, but this is anti-valentines day, and you should stay away from sauciness and focus on the guts. Glorious, wonderful, decidedly non-romantic guts. You’ll need that kind of intestinal fortitude to get through the day.

3) Seoul Foreigner’s Cemetery & Chicken Feet

image blatantly stolen from the Marmot's Hole because his pictures rock

Cemeteries are already pretty low on the list of places for lovebirds to flit, but this one outdoes even the normal graveyard by having been the centerpiece of a bitter dispute between churches. The cemetery was founded in 1890 when King Gojeong heard the shocking news that the foreigners were about to bury somebody inside the city walls (a very big no-no!) and so gave over some land just outside the gates. In the ensuing 120 some-odd years a veritable who’s who of foreigners have been buried there, including Ernest Bethell, Homer Hulbert, Mary Scranton, and many an Underwood. Changes in laws put the ownership in doubt, and the smaller but older foreigner congregation that had been conducting services in a chapel on the grounds found itself in a nasty dragged-out legal conflict with the newer and larger Korean congregation over who should administer and control the land. The Korean government decided neither should have the chapel, but the Korean church controls the cemetery itself, and stirred up even more controversy by threatening to remove the graves of non-missionaries who it didn’t feel were up to snuff.

Seeing as this has given you plenty to chew on, go find a place to chew on some dalkbal (닭발: chicken feet). Be sure and get the kind with the bones in, both as a way to add flavor and textural interest to what would otherwise seem merely chewy and as a way to remind yourself of what you’ve just spent all afternoon walking around and over.

4) Tapgol Park and Hongeo

image from Seoul Selections

The March 1st Movement got its start at this famous park, and it’s not a bad place for you to start out your revolt against the holiday. It’s connection with the independence movement has made it a popular spot for protests, so maybe you’ll catch a glimpse of violent police/protester clashes. Or at least noisy ones. If that fails, spend some time hanging out with the endless legions of old dudes who hang out playing baduk, gossiping, and (reportedly) hooking up.   True, it’s also picturesque and holds important national treasures like the 10-story Wongaksaji Sipcheung Seoktap (national treasure number 2, baby!), but we’re sure that remembering the violent repression of the independence movement by Japanese police in 1919 will keep you in the appropriately sober frame of mind, no matter how much soju is being downed by the cheerfully chatting 할아버지 around you.

Now that you’re all sobered up, how about something that usually needs a little alcoholic push to seem palatable?

There is nothing, NOTHING on the planet that will ever kill a budding romance, life-long attraction, or contemplation of a meaningless fling faster than the ripe scent of fermented skate, pickled in its own excretions. This Jeolla specialty has a distinctive stink of ammonia so strong that at least one of our acquaintances had his significant other boot him and his clothes to the curb until the stink diminished . . . and as far as we can tell, part of his wardrobe was eventually burned. Hongeo smells and tastes something like a freshly scrubbed urinal, only more potent. Speaking of potent, some people claim it’ll make you a bit high. We can’t verify that, but we will say that the fragrance will cling to you and everything you own for days afterward, until your pores simply ooze out the scent of shark pee while you are left completely and utterly alone. It may be only for the adventurous, but the taste is addictive and the idea of being left by your lonesome is just what you’re looking for today, right?

And what did we encounter there?  Let’s start with the winter weather wonder of fish bread:

Named for the fish-shape of the mold they’re baked in, these sweet pancakes can resemble carp, goldfish, shrimp, or even at one memorable yet disturbing stand in Ssamzie Gil, a pile of poo. A thin sweet batter similar to pancake batter is poured into cast-iron mold over a gas grill. As the batter begins to cook, sweet red bean paste (팥: pat) is added, then the mold is closed and flipped, sealing the filling in the center of a crispy, gooey treat. The pancake base can be any number of flours, but is usually wheat flower. If you’re looking for a different texture or have wheat allergies, look for places that use sweet rice flour (찹쌀: chapssal). Some places have become experimental with fillings as well, and if you hunt around you’ll find sweet potato (고구마: goguma), chou cream (슈크림: shyukeurim), chestnut (밤: bam), and even savory fillings like chili-cheese.

Ready for a Fatman favorite?

Mmmm, 쥐포. While dried and pressed filefish roasted over an open flame may not sound like the sweetest of treats, trust us: this is the epitome of sweet and salty snacking. Forget kettle corn and sunchips – jwipo are where it’s at. Forget the popcorn and pick some up at the carts near Seoul Cinema before you head inside to watch a film. If that’s not caloric enough for you, it can also be deep fried into a crispy treat (shown here alongside deep fried sweet potato sticks)

As long as we’re talking about sea-born street food, let’s take a minute and discuss 오징어:

Delicious squid strips are put on a hot press with yummy butter. Oh, the chewy, gooey joy of it all! But as we trotted along through the town we started longing for something a little more substantial.

These chicken feet in spicy pepper sauce may be chewy and gristly, but they’re also packed with flavor. While chicken feet have very little in terms of actual flesh, they have a distinctive texture and taste from the skin, tendon, and bone that makes them toothsome and gelatinous. The spicy sauce might overwhelm some meats, but it makes a great counterpoint to the chicken feet.
It’s not just chicken feet to greet the street diner though.

Korean cooking has ways to use just about every part of the animals they eat, including sweetbreads, tripe, skin, and brains. Most of these get served up in specialty restaurants, but some of them grill up in the many tents that line the roads. Mixed with some vegetables and sauce, these foods appear later in the evening as more and more boozy businessmen and women pour into the streets looking for the right counterpoint to all that soju they’re metabolizing.

Fried foods and grilled meat and fish are also popular ways to help absorb all that alcohol. Fortifying the stomach helps keep all that business going. Without chicken feet and kimchi pancakes, who knows? The economy of South Korea could grind to a halt.
Some treats are twenty-four hour appropriate though . . .

Walking down Jogno you might wonder, “Who is Kim Dok-soon and why does she own every stand on the street?”
Haha, Fatman made a funny. Gim-ddeok-sun stands serve the holy trinity of street snacks: Gimbap, ddeokpokki, and sundae. The wise will have all three, and perhaps some assorted fried foods mixed together so that everything absorbs the spicy-sweet ddeokpokki sauce.  Those tender, toothy bits of rice cake simmer together with a sugar and pepper powder blend to become something so spicy that the heat in your mouth will have you sweating like it’s the dog days of summer.

The richness of the sundae especially benefits from the ddeokpokki sauce, which helps balance it out and keep it from feeling greasy or fatty. Meanwhile the sundae helps tone down the burn of the chili, as does the rice in the gimbap and the crunch of the twigim gives a textural contrast that can’t be beat. Most places will have squid legs, sweet potato, dumplings, and fritters made of mixed julienne vegetables on the menu.

If all you want is some gimbap, try one of the places that specialize in miniature sized rolls. Refreshing and surprisingly filling, you can try a variety of fillings to discover your ideal taste wrapped in roasted laver and rice.

Virtually every street stall will have at least one food in common:

Behold, the 국물 and 오댕! This fishy broth hits the spot better than anything on a chilly winter day. Each stand will tend to have their own recipe, and so as you eat your way down the road you can sample dozens of different kinds. The richest tasting use crab as the base flavor while others rely on anchovies or other fish, and places work to outdo each other with fancy broths using everything from mussels to pumpkin to jujube in addition to the usual onion, spring onion, and radish that flavor the ordinary broth. If you need to warm up fast, a cup of this is almost always complimentary when you order, no matter what you’re standing and eating. Use it to wash down your ddeokpokki or enhance your odeng. Speaking of which, don’t pass up these tender fish patties – they’re a reliable way to satisfy your craving for something mild but savory. Infused with the complex flavors of a good gukmul, the embracing softness of the patty is a luxurious way to warm up.

But what to do if you need a meal that’s a bit more mobile? No problem! Just grab some meat on a stick (닭꼬치: dalkggochi)!

Chicken skewers come in a wide variety of sauces, both spicy and not, and a range of toppings from mayonnaise to cheese powder to garlic salt. Sticks keep getting longer and longer, up to thirty centimeters! Yowza, that’s a lot of stick! Most are given a quick parboil before being grilled, then sauced, and then given a final run over the coals before the stick of hot, juicy chicken bits is handed over to the customer.
If you’re looking for for some fusion in your food, you could definitely do worse than the hot bar. Made from a mysterious combination of fish paste, vegetables, and flour, this savory mash is formed into hot-dog shapes and then deep fried for a completely portable flavor delivery system.

We have a lot of different wraps, toppings, and fillings to decorate our bar with, including bacon, hot dogs, roasted seaweed, and sesame leaves. Could it get any better? But let’s keep moving. Maybe it’s time for something a bit more basic, a bit more natural, a bit more fundamental. Maybe it’s time for roasted chestnuts.

Floury and hot from the roaster, chestnuts (밤: bam) in Korea are categorized by how they’re cooked and served to you. Some chestnut vendors will roast them over an open fire (just like the Christmas carol) and others tumble them with heated stones. “Nude” chestnuts don’t belong in a brothel – they’re simply peeled for you. Also take a crack at roasted ginko (은행: eunheng) nuts when they’re in season, because those nibbles are a bitter and tender delicacy.
Eventually, everybody’s sweet tooth catches up to them. Fatman and friends are no exception, and soon we were hunting down honeyed foods to sooth the savage beasts. First on our list of must-haves were those deep fried delights, hoddeok (호떡).

These yeasty doughnuts are stuffed with sugar, cinnamon, and often nuts that turn to oozy caramel when they’re fried and pressed on a grill. The crispy-chewy dough surrounds a molten core that’s burn the tongue but delight the tastebuds. Again, each stand will have its own special recipe, using everything from peanuts to black sesame seeds in the caramel, while green tea, corn, pumpkin and vegetables have showed up in the risen dough. If that’s not sweet enough for you though, we have another suggestion.

뽑기 (bbobki)  is one of the most basic and lasting of Korean street foods. All you need to do to make your own is to heat sugar until it begins to burn, stirring all the while. Then dump it out on a cool, smooth surface to shape and decorate as you wish. It’s not as much fun though as getting it made for you on the streets. See if you can eat it and keep the designs intact!

Yeot (엿) is a traditional confection made from boiling steamed rice, corn, or other malted grain. Once the syrup has been boiled long enough, it will solidify when cooled and form a sweet, sticky taffy that ranges from chewy to crunchy in texture. It can be chipped or chiseled into the desired form, and some varieties have extra goodness inside the taffy or the candy itself is rolled in fun bits like peanuts or sesame seeds. The most famous variety is a pumpkin flavored variety from the island of Ulleungdo.
But if you really want to eat to impress, try one of the newer innovations in street sweets: Honey candy.

Ggultarae (꿀타래) stem from royal court cuisine, but have made their way into the lives of the hoi polloi. This might well be the best show in town, as the complicated process of making them is narrated by multilingual chorus as solidified honey is stretched and separated into fine threads by being pulled through cornstarch, then wrapped around nut fillings. Intensely sweet, they have a distinctive texture that slowly turns from dry and almost crackling to gooey and chewy with a finishing bit of crunch from the nuts. Look for these guys mostly along Insadong, although franchises have started cropping up all over the place, so you can try all the different flavors (almond, peanut, and walnut). And a note to the ladies: watch out, the guys making this stuff are all flirts!
Many thanks to Zen Kimchi, Chef Hickey, and the many friends who joined Fatman for this eating excursion. Don’t worry, there’ll be plenty more in the future