from demotivateus.com

I am not one to sound the alarm unless disorider, destruction and death is imminent – but in this case I fear it is. As you will know, I am one damned tough cookie, but just one hour ago I was reduced to snivelling, mewling and weeping like a pouffe.

“What!” you cry. “What could possibly have been behind this demolition of your manhood?”

The culprit was a new product available at (ahem) Burger King: The “Angry Whopper.” This was advertized as spicey, but seriously – how spicey could an American fast food product be?

The answer is in: Murderously. A few seconds after biting into this innocuous looking snack, a hellish, sulphurous smoke began to curl up to the roof of my mouth. Then it detonated deep in my gut: Napalm.

No joke – this is THE hottest damned thing I have eaten in Korea. Ever.

Of course we had to try this delicious damnation for ourselves, and so off we jaunted to the nearest BK. We read up on the burger at Serious Eats, but found to our great dismay that a different form of the burger is available in East Asia than the rest of the world. In case you’re curious, this is what they get:

we stole this from Serious Eats

That would be a whopper topped with spicy crispy onions, jalapeños, pepper jack cheese, bacon, tomatoes, lettuce, mayonnaise, and spicy Angry Sauce. Mmmm. However, what you get in Korea is this:

from My Daily

That would be a whopper with angry sauce and angry mushrooms and some presumably pissed off peppers. Somewhere there’s a greenhouse filled with sadistic farmers torturing little mushrooms and pickeld peppers into become rage machines, we suppose.

The problem is that this burger just ain’t that spicy. Don’t get Fatman wrong ~ it’s got a definite kick from the sauce, and there’s a few devious little peppers packed away. But overall? Meh. There’s kimchi jjigae spicier than this burger. We wanted to be inspired to a murderous rage, tears of anger and tastebud betrayal rolling down our chubby cheeks as we gasped for air and desperately chugged down soda to quench the fire. We wanted a burger that would make 불닭 (bul dalk – fire chicken) fade away. What we got was a sort of mild burning sensation. Our nose didn’t even run. It was sad. Mayo and tomato and condiments helped tamp down the burn, but even without them it really was just kindof spicy, instead of deathly.

The burger itself starts with the basics: Sesame bun, wilting lettuce, ketchup, tomato, and patty, with an additional bit of jalapeños, some small, limp mushrooms, and a splash of spicy sauce. But the new ingredients don’t pack enough heat to make it really daunting eating ~ unless you’re regularly burned by typical Korean food, you won’t have any problem biting into this puppy. Chiliheads beware: This burger will only make you angry with its lack of punch. It’s not mild, by any means, but nor is it a kiss of fire that can never be put out.

One of the special culinary pleasures of Korea, bulgogi (fire meat) ranks high.  Beloved by everyone from Koreans who have never left the peninsula to gourmands who’ve never made it to these shining shores, it has joined kimchi as one of the most symbolic foods of Korea.  And what else to do with such a deeply loved food but to sandwich it between buns and consume it as a hamburger?

Fatman, along with a small cast of brave taste testers set out to find the best of the bulgogi by taste testing burgers from all the major fast food chains of Korea:  McDonalds, Burger King, and both the regular and hanwoo (all Korean beef) burgers from Lotteria.  We risked life and tongue to discern the truly delicious from the merely adequate and the truly vile.  Our results, from worst to best:

Burger King Bulgogi Whopper

Fatman’s taste testers were shocked by the low finish of this entry, anticipating that flame broiling and a healthy set of condiments would make for a satisfying burger. Instead, the bun and patty were dry, and the raw onion overpowered the less potent condiments, in particular the anemic tomato. It was slathered with mayo, but nothing was strong enough to mask the very unpleasant “faux smoke” BBQ sauce “that’s gone off” flavor of the bulgogi sauce itself.

Average Scores (on a scale of1-5, with five being the best)

Meat: 2

Condiments: 4

Bun:  3

Overall: 3

Judges Comments:  “Fake-y smoked flavor”  “Tasty condiments”  “Looks great, but not enough bulgogi flavor”  “Nice tomato”  “Looked better than it tasted”

Lotteria Bulgogi Burger

This was the least substantial feeling of the burgers, with a very flimsy bun that almost immediately disintegrated under the weight of mayo and sauce. The sauce itself was overpoweringly sweet, but lost under the cloy of the mayo. Some testers preferred the taste of the patty compared to some of the others in the tasting, finding it meatier than the other offering from Lotteria, but were in the minority.

Meat: 3.5

Condiments:  2.5

Bun 2.5

Overall:  3

Comments:  “More bulgogi flavor”  “Lots and lots of mayo”   “Beef is lower quality, but somehow tastier”

McDonald’s Bulgogi Burger

The much maligned mickey d’s proved to be surprisingly inoffensive to the tasters. Comments like “I might be willing to eat this again” peppered the conversation, and the biggest complain related to the lettuce (note to Ronald McDonald: Try to find lettuce that doesn’t look like it’s in an advanced stage of kimjang. Something with a little crunch and some actual green color will go much further than brown-tinged goo.) The bun was no great shakes, and yet again there was too much mayo, but overall the sauces were more balanced than some of the other entries and it didn’t immediately turn to mush in the hand.

Meat: 3

Condiments:  2.5

Bun 2.5

Overall:  3

Comments:  “Bread-y, mayo-y”  “Not bad for a cheap burger”

And the grand winner is . . .

Lotteria’s Hanwoo Bulgogi Burger

It shouldn’t surprise anyone that the Hanwoo Bulgogi Burger won top honors in our test.  The native son may have an instinctive feel for the right balance for the bulgogi sauce, which was sweet but not overly so.  There was also a drizzle of spicy sauce to liven things up where too much mayo weighed down many of the contenders (although this too featured a not-so-healthy serving of the great white condiment).  It also won points for having a goodly number of tomato slices and lettuce to provide some crunch and texture.  Perhaps most importantly, the all-Korean beef patty was substantively thicker and better seasoned than the others.  It was the only burger to have some heft and weight to the meat, making it the beefiest of our entries and the hands down winner among our testers.

Meat:  4.5

Condiments: 3

Bun: 3

Overall: 4

Comments:  “Spicy/zesty”  “Very tender, but overall lack of texture”  “Needed some crunch, but the meat was easily the best”

So, the next time you reach for a bit of bulgogi on the go, Fatman recommends the Lotteria Hanwoo Burger.  Many, many thanks to our brave taste testers, Wanderchomp and Jaim, for putting their tongues on the line to help bring everyone the best possible burger options!