Zen Kimchi in Harper’s Bazar

The Japanese trademarked makgeolli

Reknowned film critic Roger Ebert has a rice cooker cookbook out, despite being unable to eat

Seoul’s tap water won’t kill you

Fatman wined and dined with Wine Korea

And somebody really likes Kimchi

Tip o’ the fat hat to Paul Ajossi

In other Gwangju news, the Kimchi Festival (한국어링크 . . . click here for English link) starts next week . . ..

Tonight only, Zen Kimchi’s brother, Chef Ben, will be dishing up delights at Fatman (and everbody else’s) favorite, Star Chef. 02.529.8248 for reservations.

muchas gracias, dunkin' donuts!

The good news is that some of these are much better than you’d expect.  The Greek yogurt filled donut doesn’t have the full flavor of real greek yogurt, but it does have that yogurt tang to the filling.  Kimchi and lentil croquettes are competent, although they still taste pretty much identical to the ones you find at Paris Baguette and Tour le Jour and just about every other bakery in Korea.   The other Indian donut is too overpowered by the chocolate glaze to have much lentil flavor (we’re inclined to think this is a good thing) while the bean-y-ness of the “콩” flavored old fashioned is pretty subdued.   As a matter of fact, only two donuts impressed us particularly, albeit in equal and opposite directions.  Let’s start with the good, shall we?

The garlic and olive oil coffee roll was an unexpected success. Although the garlic flavor could never be mistaken for anything but artificial, it was largely non-offensive, like a little sprinkle of garlic salt on your morning toast. Combined with the sweet glaze, it actually made for a fun sweet-salty interplay of flavors. Best of all, there was a real drizzle of olive oil over the whole thing before glazing, adding a little bit of rich olive taste and an intriguing mouth-feel to the donut. It’s actually . . . well, kind of edible. We might be tempted to order this once in a while, if they were out of our traditional favorites.
Equally intriguing, but not in a good way, was the mysterious and coy bean-filled Japanese donut. Fatman was certainly curious ~ Koreans already use beans, mostly black beans, in a wide variety of foods with often tasty results . . .

But what kind of cruel trick is this donut?!? Where usually one finds a nice Bavarian creme or splodge of jam was an incomprehensibly flavored sludge. We wracked our brain (and frantically scraped our tongue) for answers. The Korean ad campaign and information identifies it as 콩, or bean. That’s pretty non-specific, so we looked for further clues. The bag it was served in was labeled “소이” Ok. Soy. Soy beans. But that still didn’t explain the unconquerable awfulness assaulting our taste buds. Then, we looked down on our tray and saw a little description of each donut, and learned the terrible truth: 낫또. That’s right. DD made a natto-cream donut and foisted it upon the innocent. NATTO!

Now, this is not an objection to natto, per se. We actually kind of enjoy the stringy, oozy, gooey beans. But this donut just isn’t right . . .the natto has been mashed into some kind of mushy paste, loosing the distinctive texture. Do you know what that leaves you? The flavor, mashed and masked with whatever sweet additives, preservatives, and miscellaneous junk it takes to turn it into a donut filling. This was wrong, wrong, WRONG on every level.
It was so wrong, we encourage you to try it yourself. Or at least foist it on some unsuspecting friend whose horrified response you can videotape.

김치는 과연 진정한 채식주의 음식인가?  Vegan (우유, 달걀 등 동물성 식품을 일채 먹지 않다) 들 위한 음식인가?  그리고 유대교 법에 맞게 준비된 정결한 음식인가?  한국에서 보편적으로 먹는 김치로 따지자면 결고 않이다.  왜 일까?

Fish sauce.  그 답은 바로 액젓.

What is this stuff, and why use it? In short, aekjeot is made from salted fermented fish: anchovies, squid, shrimp,  and other squirmy sea critters.   Not quite strict vegetarian, is it?  액젓은 생선, 멸치, 오징어, 새우 등의 해물을 소금과 발효 시킨 것이다.  따지고 보면 보통 김치는 채식주의 아니다.

The good news is that while most kimchi nowadays is made with aekjeot, it is neither universal nor necessary in kimchi making.  The use of fish and fish products for making kimchi developed in coastal areas (surprise surprise!) but landlocked areas like Chungcheondo haven’t traditionally.  You have a couple of options in swapping out the offensive fish sauce:

좋은 것은 액젓은 보통 김치에 사용되기는 하지만 꼭 사용하야한 것은 아니라는 것이다.  김치에 해물을 놓는 것은 해안지방에서 유래 되었다.  그러나 춘청도와 같은 내력지방에서는 전통식으로는 사용하지 않는다.  액젓 사용하지 않고 김치 만드는 법은 두 가지가 있다.

First, increase the amount of salt and add some purified water.  The water will help the ingredients mix, and the increased salt will help keep the kimchi safe in ferment.  If you want a little bit more of a rich mouth feel to your kimchi, use water from rinsing rice.

첫째, 소금의 양을 늘리고 정화 된 물을 넣는다.  물은 재로가 잘 섞이는 데에 도움이 되고 소금은 김치를 위생적으로 발효하는 시키는 데에 유용하다.   더 깊은 맛을 더 하려면 쌀뜬물을 사용하면 된다.

Second, use soy sauce.  Fatman recommends a lighter-flavored soy sauce, and to be easy-handed and sparing in its use because of the stronger flavor it can impart.  With that in mind . . .

둘째, 간장을 사용한다.  Fatman은 맛이 너무 강하지 않은 양조간장을 조금만 사용하는 것은 권장한다.  그런 의미에서 . . .

Go make yourself some scinitilatingly good (and animal free) kimchi!  정말 맛있는 채식주의 김치 한 번 직접 만들어 보시죠!

Translation/번역: Grace Park of Crazy Korean Cooking! (www.crazykoreancooking.com)  감사합니다!

You’ve been told it’s difficult, that it takes years of practice to make perfect, that only select humans known as Ajumas can achieve the zen-like state of flow and oneness with the universe that leads to its creation.
LIES!
Anyone can make kimchi – it’s shockingly easy. And you don’t have to make it in huge quantities, or use much in the way of strange ingredients. Heck, you probably have most of the stuff lying around in your pantry right now (ok, if you keep a Korean pantry – but don’t we all?) And despite what your mother told you, it doesn’t not involve insane amounts of labor and suffering for the culinary arts. Shall we begin?

Start with a head of napa cabbage, and pull off the outer-most leaves. They’re green and bitter and you don’t need them. Now, pretend it’s the French Revolution and you’re Robespierre, mirthfully quartering that royalist cabbage.

Now, take a big, big bowl of cold, clean water and toss in a few tablespoons of salt.

Swish that salt around until it dissolves. Take your cabbage and dunk it in the water. It won’t be enough merely trying to stick the thing under though; take some more of the salt and sprinkle it between the leaves.

There we go! Hold that sucker down! Don’t let ‘em get away!

Who knew kimjang was so violent? Once you’ve salted and drowned your cabbage, you’ll need to put something heavy on top to hold it down so that the entire thing stays submerged. Stick something heavy in a smaller bowl and put the bowl on top of the cabbage unless you’re really bored and standing around for a few hours up to your elbows in saltwater sounds amusing. But how many hours?
Well, it depends. The colder it is the longer it will take. Three or four hours is plenty in the summer, but in the winter it can be as much as eight or ten hours to achieve the desired amount of wilting. Go read a good book, plant a tree, do something for world peace. Make yourself useful.

You’ll know its ready when you can bend the cabbage leaves without them snapping or breaking. Only when you’ve truly broken its spirit can you continue. Drain it for a little bit to take off excess water.

Isn’t it pathetic? Don’t get too caught up in its plight, because the real torture is yet to begin . . .

Make yourself a nice clean workspace and prepare:

• ginger
• garlic
• daikon radish
• onion
• green onion
• fish sauce
• salt
• sugar
• red pepper flakes
• toasted sesame seeds
• and anything else you want to throw in: pear, apple, oysters, salted shrimp, kumquats, dog biscuits . . . go wild! But don’t blame Fatman if it tastes funny. This is your responsibility.

Got it all together?

Good, now its time to start chopping. Take your ginger and garlic and mince like there’s no tomorrow. Fatman supposes you could always just buy the already minced stuff at the grocery story, but that’s cheating.   Mince, baby, mince. Done? Good, now mince that onion!
How much?
Gosh, we don’t know . . . how much would you like? If you like ginger, have a lot of ginger. People afraid of vampires should use lots of garlic. Fatman can’t make all your decisions for you! If you’re adding fruit like pear or apple, you can make that into matchsticks now, too. Don’t relax yet though, because it’s time to tackle the radish. First, slice it into thin rounds.

Now stack the rounds and slice into matchsticks.

Wasn’t that easy? Ok, we’re now ready to rumble.

Take a few heaping spoonfuls of garlic, ginger, onion,, and salt and plop it all in a mixing bowl, which will now be able to fulfill its lifelong dream of being used to mix things, because you’re going to stir it all together. Throw in some sesame seeds. Now, add a few heaping spoonfuls of pepper powder. Don’t be a wuss! Now, add the fish sauce spoonful by spoonful, stirring in between until you get a paste, and finish off with a little bit of sugar.

Get out your gloves, because from here on out it’s getting messy. Throw in your radish sticks and some shreds of green onion, and massage them into the paste.

Feeling cocky now, are we? Ready to rush onto the next step? Well, hold your horses! The ingredients some time to parlay and discuss their next move, so give them at least an hour to congress. Wait until the stuff in the bowl on the right turns into something that looks like the bowl on the left . . .

Go watch a movie, take the dog for a walk, or sit down with the latest issue of Scientific American or Psychology Today and improve your mind for a while. When both you and the mixture have sufficiently relaxed, you’ll be fresh and new and it ought to be gloriously messy and soggy-looking, like this:

Now for the really fun part! Remember this guy?

His time has come! Back on with the prophylactics, it’s about to get interesting. . ..
Open the cabbage so that the first few leaves are flopping down on the plate, and the rest are held high above its poor wee head, as if it were performing some particularly uncomfortable gymnastics or yoga routine. Smear the red gunk all over the limp, pathetic leaves.

Keep spreading gunk between the leaves until the poor sucker has been stuffed to the gills with goo. Make sure you got it into every nook and cranny.

Ready for the last step? Ok, now, all you have left to do is-

OH MY GOD! CTHULHU!!!

Sweet Camille Paglia, who will save us now??? Pick up the Great Old One cabbage and turn it cut side down, but letting two or three of the outermost leaves fall loose. Fold the cabbage in half, grab the loose leaves, and wrap them around the main body of the cabbage.

Voila! The monster has been vanquished! You now have your own perfect-in-every-particular kimchi. Enjoy immediately, or see how long you can leave it in the fridge before it grows legs and heads back to R’lyeh. Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn!

Bon Appetite!

Many, many thanks to the wonderful people at Food and Culture Korea for their exceptional instruction and kindness! This post owes all its good parts to them, and any mistakes, mess ups, or ridiculousness is entirely Fatman’s fault.